well lovers,
Today is the 24th of 35 days, and my attitude has changed considerably. I've been working on my life-line over the past 24 hours and am a bit concerned that, despite my sober attempt to maintain candor, it may be taking on a flowery ornate aspect that may obscure the thing-in-itself. We shall see about this.
I woke up early this morning from a dream narrative that found me wandering the barren toxic wastes of a post-apocalyptic north America looking for food, listening to antiquated 40s jazz on a personal stereo. Somehow amidst the clamor of all this i found myself in an open air classroom, anticipating a midterm examination on literary devices, from which i excused myself so that i could go to the washroom, whereby i woke myself and wrote this instead.
I spent some time yesterday looking for a place, i found myself imagining what it would be like to live amidst the photos of each apartment, and picturing what kind of life i stood to lead. In each one i found myself a little gloomy and isolate. I imagine things will likely begin to exclude me going forward. I'm pretty sure i stand to lose friends. I'm not good with abandonment. I have been accused of being needy. I suppose this is for the best though. At least i stand to regain and re-cultivate my sophistication. This is stupid. -EndofNarrative-
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
well it's the end of day 3 and week 1/5 begins in earnest tomorrow. during the days I get by pretty well, manage to get along with everyone, keep my mind and body busy and not much phases me. but it's about this time of the evening after around 945 in the evening that I begin to get really restless, that I begin to feel like I'm not going to be able to deal with being stuck out here so long and that while I know these people their kind their sort and their troubles, while they are not completely alien to me, that I am fundamentally unlike them. I haven't really come across any kindred spirits or anyone I feel I can really fundamentally connect with and I am dislocated from my element. part of me feels likey issues are already addressed and that I could leave tomorrow keep moving forward and never look back. this fellowship is awesome and amazingly helpful, but as soon as my time is done I want to move on and never look back. I know of course that I'm nowhere near ready for this exit yet and perhaps not even soon. but the moment I satisfy myself that I can sustain the outlook and attitude toward my issues outside in the same manner which iam doing here in the face of any trial temptation or test of will, I am out of here. in the meantime I take my solace in the newfound companionship of some albeit questionable characters, and the reconnection with my level clear fully empowered mind and mental faculties. I feel maybe 90%, not sure if it would sustain if i just threw myself back in my old context, the pack and a half a day and all chained to my monitor.
the others all talk of the processs as too short, flying by, dreading their own departure, so far I cannot relate.
please stand by...
the others all talk of the processs as too short, flying by, dreading their own departure, so far I cannot relate.
please stand by...
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
'through medititation i program my heart to beat break-beats, and hummm basslines on exhalation.
J remarks that the key to attraction/seduction appears to be scarity. I am not a scare inividivual. I have been accused more than once of being larger than life, of being a perenially overflowing cup, disseminating my attentions, affections, and energies to anyone to has happened prompt it.
it comes to my attention that i have become critically undervalued; in the estimation of others, but also -either consequently or causally- in my own self estimation and private mirror-confronting reflection.
Part of this problematic is enformed by my vague life-philosophy that i try to live out and actualize: vaguely to personify love, acceptance, openness in relationships with others and to try and transcend or step out of the hegelian master/slave discourses of power, social transactions of status or upperhand, of the phenomenological 'intentionality' of subject-will predicating object-other. This behavioral example is present in the buddha, the christ, and Zarathustra figures of mono-narrative religion, but it demands willing disarmament of the will as an oppositional barier of selfhood in a world ever not a fraction of a fraction of the rest of the wills out there behave this way - or are even open / capable of attempting it. I concede i havent personified the ideal of that modality but I think i access it regularly and act consciously to apply it.
I figured the goal is informed by the under-pinning notion that the sense of 'Love' that occurs beyond good & evil, in a space above moral judgement, in the communion between a person and a person, or a person and a society, alienating dogma, or natural world such that
the Self-defining, otherness-honing Ego is told to stand down, and where instead of contrast in opposition between the self and other, the distingushing border - the limen - between self and other begins to dissolve and differential inter-judgement becomes impossible. I will call this Ontological Love, because it involves a fundamental shift in the space of the ontology of a subject vs. object in its participant. This philosophy, i believe, is pinned down and implicit it an an be extracted from an open reading of any religious scripture, and its eschateological narrative towards transcendance or the playing out of this story/chapter/dimension/ba
In every avenue of the human experience, of the phenomenonlogy of will, this maxim holds:
We do not fight ourself, taking shape, or in coming together. But we tear ourselves part in coming apart.
it comes to my attention that i have become critically undervalued; in the estimation of others, but also -either consequently or causally- in my own self estimation and private mirror-confronting reflection.
Part of this problematic is enformed by my vague life-philosophy that i try to live out and actualize: vaguely to personify love, acceptance, openness in relationships with others and to try and transcend or step out of the hegelian master/slave discourses of power, social transactions of status or upperhand, of the phenomenological 'intentionality' of subject-will predicating object-other. This behavioral example is present in the buddha, the christ, and Zarathustra figures of mono-narrative religion, but it demands willing disarmament of the will as an oppositional barier of selfhood in a world ever not a fraction of a fraction of the rest of the wills out there behave this way - or are even open / capable of attempting it. I concede i havent personified the ideal of that modality but I think i access it regularly and act consciously to apply it.
I figured the goal is informed by the under-pinning notion that the sense of 'Love' that occurs beyond good & evil, in a space above moral judgement, in the communion between a person and a person, or a person and a society, alienating dogma, or natural world such that
the Self-defining, otherness-honing Ego is told to stand down, and where instead of contrast in opposition between the self and other, the distingushing border - the limen - between self and other begins to dissolve and differential inter-judgement becomes impossible. I will call this Ontological Love, because it involves a fundamental shift in the space of the ontology of a subject vs. object in its participant. This philosophy, i believe, is pinned down and implicit it an an be extracted from an open reading of any religious scripture, and its eschateological narrative towards transcendance or the playing out of this story/chapter/dimension/ba
In every avenue of the human experience, of the phenomenonlogy of will, this maxim holds:
We do not fight ourself, taking shape, or in coming together. But we tear ourselves part in coming apart.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
t'es tant belle
"Blackbird come @ the break of dawn. The TV's on, I turn it off.
I walk outside, get in the the car. Stare @ the wheel & fall apart...
Black rooms in which to baste and bathe in it, White halls to pace and wait for it.
I know that it's bad / that it's the kind that they can't operate on...
Styrofoam coffee cups, and bad drugs that never work enough
and i know it's real slow honey, painful & real slow.
When we were young, with heads like hammers,
i'd write the nails into your hands.
But when 99% of us is failure, there's no turning back.
O! Blackbird come @ the break of day...
Swallow this shit that people say.
Walk outside, look @ the sky,
Ask it to fall or tell you why???"
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
.. and out darkness comes. a ...
Well -
it's been a while, and this space is all kind of unkempt and dusty now - but let's see if can summon up the fortitude and focus to rekindle the old pilot light. These ashes' stir, it's something they just must do.
And oh Silence, to be candid I'm afraid there's some kind scary and intimidating changes just turning the corner round the bend in this little clusterfuck of a life i lead. This will be my confessional/confidance space... we'll have to see about changing that username a little later.
No one still reads this old thing anyway though now do they? Do they? Prove me wrong Silence?
it's been a while, and this space is all kind of unkempt and dusty now - but let's see if can summon up the fortitude and focus to rekindle the old pilot light. These ashes' stir, it's something they just must do.
And oh Silence, to be candid I'm afraid there's some kind scary and intimidating changes just turning the corner round the bend in this little clusterfuck of a life i lead. This will be my confessional/confidance space... we'll have to see about changing that username a little later.
No one still reads this old thing anyway though now do they? Do they? Prove me wrong Silence?
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This modulation of ontology is precisely a process of ontological transcendance or evolution... this therefore i feel is a worthy, perhaps most worthy directive of the conscious will or mind in its defining narrative of co-dependant,in constant flux, with otherness.