well it's the end of day 3 and week 1/5 begins in earnest tomorrow. during the days I get by pretty well, manage to get along with everyone, keep my mind and body busy and not much phases me. but it's about this time of the evening after around 945 in the evening that I begin to get really restless, that I begin to feel like I'm not going to be able to deal with being stuck out here so long and that while I know these people their kind their sort and their troubles, while they are not completely alien to me, that I am fundamentally unlike them. I haven't really come across any kindred spirits or anyone I feel I can really fundamentally connect with and I am dislocated from my element. part of me feels likey issues are already addressed and that I could leave tomorrow keep moving forward and never look back. this fellowship is awesome and amazingly helpful, but as soon as my time is done I want to move on and never look back. I know of course that I'm nowhere near ready for this exit yet and perhaps not even soon. but the moment I satisfy myself that I can sustain the outlook and attitude toward my issues outside in the same manner which iam doing here in the face of any trial temptation or test of will, I am out of here. in the meantime I take my solace in the newfound companionship of some albeit questionable characters, and the reconnection with my level clear fully empowered mind and mental faculties. I feel maybe 90%, not sure if it would sustain if i just threw myself back in my old context, the pack and a half a day and all chained to my monitor.

the others all talk of the processs as too short, flying by, dreading their own departure, so far I cannot relate.


please stand by...