well it's the end of day 3 and week 1/5 begins in earnest tomorrow. during the days I get by pretty well, manage to get along with everyone, keep my mind and body busy and not much phases me. but it's about this time of the evening after around 945 in the evening that I begin to get really restless, that I begin to feel like I'm not going to be able to deal with being stuck out here so long and that while I know these people their kind their sort and their troubles, while they are not completely alien to me, that I am fundamentally unlike them. I haven't really come across any kindred spirits or anyone I feel I can really fundamentally connect with and I am dislocated from my element. part of me feels likey issues are already addressed and that I could leave tomorrow keep moving forward and never look back. this fellowship is awesome and amazingly helpful, but as soon as my time is done I want to move on and never look back. I know of course that I'm nowhere near ready for this exit yet and perhaps not even soon. but the moment I satisfy myself that I can sustain the outlook and attitude toward my issues outside in the same manner which iam doing here in the face of any trial temptation or test of will, I am out of here. in the meantime I take my solace in the newfound companionship of some albeit questionable characters, and the reconnection with my level clear fully empowered mind and mental faculties. I feel maybe 90%, not sure if it would sustain if i just threw myself back in my old context, the pack and a half a day and all chained to my monitor.

the others all talk of the processs as too short, flying by, dreading their own departure, so far I cannot relate.


please stand by...

day 2

'through medititation i program my heart to beat break-beats, and hummm basslines on exhalation.

J remarks that the key to attraction/seduction appears to be scarity. I am not a scare inividivual. I have been accused more than once of being larger than life, of being a perenially overflowing cup, disseminating my attentions, affections, and energies to anyone to has happened prompt it.

it comes to my attention that i have become critically undervalued; in the estimation of others, but also -either consequently or causally- in my own self estimation and private mirror-confronting reflection.

Part of this problematic is enformed by my vague life-philosophy that i try to live out and actualize: vaguely to personify love, acceptance, openness in relationships with others and to try and transcend or step out of the hegelian master/slave discourses of power, social transactions of status or upperhand, of the phenomenological 'intentionality' of subject-will predicating object-other. This behavioral example is present in the buddha, the christ, and Zarathustra figures of mono-narrative religion, but it demands willing disarmament of the will as an oppositional barier of selfhood in a world ever not a fraction of a fraction of the rest of the wills out there behave this way - or are even open / capable of attempting it. I concede i havent personified the ideal of that modality but I think i access it regularly and act consciously to apply it.

I figured the goal is informed by the under-pinning notion that the sense of 'Love' that occurs beyond good & evil, in a space above moral judgement, in the communion between a person and a person, or a person and a society, alienating dogma, or natural world such that

the Self-defining, otherness-honing Ego is told to stand down, and where instead of contrast in opposition between the self and other, the distingushing border - the limen - between self and other begins to dissolve and differential inter-judgement becomes impossible. I will call this Ontological Love, because it involves a fundamental shift in the space of the ontology of a subject vs. object in its participant. This philosophy, i believe, is pinned down and implicit it an an be extracted from an open reading of any religious scripture, and its eschateological narrative towards transcendance or the playing out of this story/chapter/dimension/ba

rdo of the will.

This modulation of ontology is precisely a process of ontological transcendance or evolution... this therefore i feel is a worthy, perhaps most worthy directive of the conscious will or mind in its defining narrative of co-dependant,in constant flux, with otherness.

In every avenue of the human experience, of the phenomenonlogy of will, this maxim holds:
We do not fight ourself, taking shape, or in coming together. But we tear ourselves part in coming apart.